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Nov. 7th, 2008 10:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vervet_monkeyToday I am restless. I don't entirely know why, but I am.
I may have been here for too long. In one place, doing much the same thing. In which case I have to sit it out. Just keep going and it will fall back into place in a week or so.
But I feel kind of useless. I'm here, I'm working hard and I love my course. But I don't feel, I don't know, I don't feel like I've got enough work. I have been putting alot of effort in. To all my assignments but also to wider reading and knowledge. But to be honest, its not THAT much effort. Addmittedly it is more effort than most, but I don't feel like my grades are reflecting the effort I've been putting in. At A-Level I had to work harder than I ever have to get a B in every subject. My grades here have so far been way above that with much less effort. And I know that people told us that A-Levels were by far the hardest courses we would take just because of the jump up from GCSE. But I don't want to let that lull me into security. Because I know it will get harder and I'm expecting it to do it pretty quickly and without warning. As can be seen by a test 4 weeks in that we had no idea of the types of questions.
I also kinda feel like I've come home, I've gone to Uni. And I'm taking my course and I have joined societies and I'm riding every week and swimming. And I am still going to SJA and have joined the Conservation Society and I'm, as always, saving to dissapear off to voluntary work next summer. But this evening will still be spent not doing anything worth while, but sitting and watching... i don't know, spooks maybe? Tomorrow I don't have to get up and build a fence, count monkeys, muster cattle or just explore a new town. I don't actually have to get up at all. I've got lecture notes to write up. And they are interesting, but they're not... groundbreaking? I won't feel like I've achieved anything when I've finished, except maybe earnt a cup of tea. And I thought so often when I was travelling just how much of a waste of time it is sat infront of the PC or TV when theres a whole world just outside the window. And I promised myself that I would take the time to get to know my own country a little more. But still, tomorrow will consist of the PC. I am going on duty in the evening. But they're are hundreds of other people that could do that job. And in actual fact most of the night will be spent sat reading, chatting and killing time. The remainder will more than likely be mopping up after drunk students. Its work that has to be done, and by volunteers, and I am glad to do it. But... I don't know, just but... But we could be doing so much more. SJA is a big organisation. We have an on-going rivallry with the red cross, but realistically, we don't even compare. My voluntart work tomorrow will help who? A few drunken students who although we cry poor hardly know the meaning of the word. It needs doing but they'res so much more that needs doing more urgently.
There we go then. Thats the source of my restlessness. We are constantly being told that this is a good time to live, this is the dawn of a new era with Obama to lead us. Told over and over by rich people with the power to change the world, and no means to. I feel, not useless as such, but like I could be more useful.
Kayla
Hmmmm, I seem to be very judgemental atm... my head just needs a little re-organising I feel... feel free to leave me be till I've straightened it all out.
I may have been here for too long. In one place, doing much the same thing. In which case I have to sit it out. Just keep going and it will fall back into place in a week or so.
But I feel kind of useless. I'm here, I'm working hard and I love my course. But I don't feel, I don't know, I don't feel like I've got enough work. I have been putting alot of effort in. To all my assignments but also to wider reading and knowledge. But to be honest, its not THAT much effort. Addmittedly it is more effort than most, but I don't feel like my grades are reflecting the effort I've been putting in. At A-Level I had to work harder than I ever have to get a B in every subject. My grades here have so far been way above that with much less effort. And I know that people told us that A-Levels were by far the hardest courses we would take just because of the jump up from GCSE. But I don't want to let that lull me into security. Because I know it will get harder and I'm expecting it to do it pretty quickly and without warning. As can be seen by a test 4 weeks in that we had no idea of the types of questions.
I also kinda feel like I've come home, I've gone to Uni. And I'm taking my course and I have joined societies and I'm riding every week and swimming. And I am still going to SJA and have joined the Conservation Society and I'm, as always, saving to dissapear off to voluntary work next summer. But this evening will still be spent not doing anything worth while, but sitting and watching... i don't know, spooks maybe? Tomorrow I don't have to get up and build a fence, count monkeys, muster cattle or just explore a new town. I don't actually have to get up at all. I've got lecture notes to write up. And they are interesting, but they're not... groundbreaking? I won't feel like I've achieved anything when I've finished, except maybe earnt a cup of tea. And I thought so often when I was travelling just how much of a waste of time it is sat infront of the PC or TV when theres a whole world just outside the window. And I promised myself that I would take the time to get to know my own country a little more. But still, tomorrow will consist of the PC. I am going on duty in the evening. But they're are hundreds of other people that could do that job. And in actual fact most of the night will be spent sat reading, chatting and killing time. The remainder will more than likely be mopping up after drunk students. Its work that has to be done, and by volunteers, and I am glad to do it. But... I don't know, just but... But we could be doing so much more. SJA is a big organisation. We have an on-going rivallry with the red cross, but realistically, we don't even compare. My voluntart work tomorrow will help who? A few drunken students who although we cry poor hardly know the meaning of the word. It needs doing but they'res so much more that needs doing more urgently.
There we go then. Thats the source of my restlessness. We are constantly being told that this is a good time to live, this is the dawn of a new era with Obama to lead us. Told over and over by rich people with the power to change the world, and no means to. I feel, not useless as such, but like I could be more useful.
Kayla
Hmmmm, I seem to be very judgemental atm... my head just needs a little re-organising I feel... feel free to leave me be till I've straightened it all out.
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no subject
Date: 2008-11-08 09:42 am (UTC)I think first of all your course will get harder and more demanding. And that will be good because you need to be challenged more, knowing you you're probably already working much harder than most of the people on the course and will continue to do so. In fact, knowing you, I'll probably be shouting at you about taking breaks and having some fun occasionally by the end of the year. But in the meantime you just have to sit it out and wait for it to get harder.
You said that you'd promised yourself you'd take some time to get to know your own country a little more. Why don't you make some plans to do that? I know you're saving to go off again in the summer, but there's no reason you can't do some travelling within this country fairly cheaply. Perhaps at Easter? You don't have to go mad, just travel around to a few different cities, places you've never been before. Spend a week or so doing it, not huge but it gives you an opportunity to explore a little more and you're not stuck in one place.
As for voluntary work, have you done some looking around to see what else is down there? I don't know if Southampton has a volunteer centre, but I know Reading does (I'm off there on Monday to find something to occupy me while I keep up the hopeless job search), maybe see if there is one down there?
You have the ability to make a difference in the community. There are a lot of projects out there that need people, a lot of people who need some help. Maybe it won't seem as big as some of the things you've done and the things you could be doing if you were back in South Africa or wherever, but you can make a huge difference in people's lives over here too. And I don't mean by helping drunk students, I mean kids who just need someone reliable to turn up somewhere once every week for half an hour, or older people who need someone to talk to or to help them with shopping or a hundred other small things.
no subject
Date: 2008-11-08 11:07 am (UTC)Thank you. Again and again and again...
Kayla
no subject
Date: 2008-11-08 02:29 pm (UTC)Bexy